Monday, December 10, 2012

Higher Status Friends

Almost all of my friends are/were higher status than me at some point in my life, and many have pulled into seriously high positions that I can't really hope to obtain.  Yes, I can dream of obtaining, but at this point I simply don't have the confidence for the game, and I definitely don't, because of my erratic training, such as it was, don't have the hard skills.

It is as much my fault as the fault of anything external.  I don't blame myself too horribly.  This isn't about blame, or shame, or anything like that.  I'm just saying that it is humbling to realize that wasting one's 20s in a haze of ambition and multi-headed energy was not the best way to do it.  I don't necessary wish I had what I was running from for so many of those years.  But the good parts of having it wouldn't be bad!

My higher status friends are all very modest.  But they are in another league.  I can't compete.  Everyone has fallen off with everyone else because of continental drift anyway, but I can't help, at times of righteous self-loathing, to propel my sputtering self into a realistic dichotomy, kick myself in the ass, and try to scrape up the crust of dessicated and used up happiness that has nestled itself into the crevices of my so-called life.

And when I do suck on that bit of solidified grease for a few moments, I realize that I'm alive because of it, and that when I stop comparing it to everything, perhaps I can find more flavor than at first seemed evident.

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