The Competition of Romantic Fighting-

Here's a quick post to say this:

Romantic entanglements can be difficult, partially because we're just so open with our romantic partners, partially because we think they have the capacity to understand the messy subjective mess that is our inner being.  And we're not necessarily wrong, but when we receive information from them that they haven't understood us, it can be frustrating.  And when we receive information from them that they are very far from understanding us, as in, they came to different conclusions about our motives than we came to about our own motives, especially if cast in a negative light, we can get downright prickly.

And when fights do happen, there's an odd engagement that I think is patterned and consumes all romantic partners who have fought: they compete with one another to say the most biting hurtful possible statements.  I don't say that lightly.  I think there are a few rare people who don't get frustrated and lash out at negative statements by amplifying the negativity and spinning it back to the other person (or making quick excuses).  It is hard to think about things.  It is hard to show that you're thinking about things; it shows that you're still too open, too accepting.  Best to spin off a zinger of pain at the other person, and best for him or her to do the same, until you're screaming at each other, claws out, gashes of blood above the eye brow and all.

How and whether you can patch up those scars will determine the future, right?  I.e. can you open up about the same subjects you both disagreed about earlier?

I.e. Can you, personally, receive negative information about yourself in a way that is constructive?

Can you talk about points of conflict with a modicum of restraint?

I think both skills are needed for some success.  And, so, well, another way of saying this is that we can't expect our romantic partners to be our ego partners, not in totality at least--we should instead expect them precisely to tell us the kinds of things that can make us better, that we can learn from and grow with.  It's a delicate balance, no doubt.  My fingers nails are still bloody, I know.