Second Relationships Are Better Than First*

Relationships are hard work. That's a shitty fact, I know.

Consider all of the points couples must form some sort of method to deal with:

1) The brute physical labor involved in everyday chores.  Certain things must get done.  Laundry, for instance.  The frequency with which they get done is one aspect, but nobody will argue that they need not occur, ever.  So, they have to happen.   How to split the labor?  This is not an easy question/answer.  Much of the traditional style that predominated American society for post WWII years has changed.  Of course, there are epistemological conceptual claims involved.  Still, at a basic level, there's stuff to be done, life to face.  Couples must decide how to divide that work, or how to accomplish together, whatever semantic agreement/disagreement you like.

2) Providing emotional sustenance to partner/Navigating behavioral expectation:  You have to learn your partner.  How she or he processes the world, how long it takes for him/her to calm down/get excited, etc.  You also have to learn yourself, and the most effective ways your style coincides with the better mood of your partner.  They have to do this at the time you do it--i.e. you're a moving target trying to shoot at a target that is moving.

These two are enough to get to my main point, which is this: You, yes you; you probably already have a host of ingrained methods for dealing with these things, a  lot of which you may not know about yet, depending on your experience.  The best way to understand what your own preferences and foibles are is to go through some trial and error.  The best way to do that is sheer experience, reflection, and correction. 

So maybe it is a jump to say this, but I will: Second relationships have the potential to be better.

*Maybe.

Here's the caveat: if you start to see behavior that pisses you off, and neglect other information, i.e. behavior or expectation or words or deeds that support you (from your partner), and you learn to see the negative behavior, or to amplify it, or your partner does that, then you or your partner can take those habits from relationship to relationship without resolving anything, i.e. without learning and modifying behavior to the extent possible.

Second caveat: Some people fit better together than others.  How they fit better, though, often isn't revealed until deep into the relationship, and expectations based on earlier dynamics of the relationship may have been, to some degree solidified.  Flexibility is important in this regard. 

Having said that, we must get more benefits from relationships than otherwise, and or perceive that we do, or believe, irrationally, that we will, despite experience to the contrary, or, heavily weigh the initial attraction that we feel for other people, or we wouldn't keep getting into them.