What Moves You? (Self-Flagellation)

I had the odd experience the other day of riding the train home with a complete slug of a man.

He was overweight.  And obtuse.  And dense.

(And by the way if you're wondering, parenthetical aside, I'm overweight and obtuse and dense, so this was a particularly sickening ride.)

The point of the ride was nothing.  Instead, we just had to banter until we each respectively reached our destination.  Topics discussed include supermarkets, neighborhoods, various restaurants

On his side, preferences expressed verbally:

Does not want to fly more than 3 hours.

Has no interest in flying to Europe.

Likes to eat out at least three nights a week.

Likes to get to work early, about 7:15.

Doesn't eat breakfast at home.

Facts expressed:

Has two small children.

Is in mid-30s.

What is it that gets this guy going?  In all honesty?  What is it that gets him talkative?  Excited?

I'm sure there is something outside of an abiding underwater sensation of insecurity and frothy distance.  But I'm not sure what the fuck it is.  I'm not sure why the fuck I should care.  I'm not sure, in fact, why we have to pretend to be nice at all, or, if that's the case, why we would want to reveal anything ugly.  After all, if we're pretending to be nice, then we must be, under the surface, very cruel bastards, and the cruel bastard part must be propped up with something more than the seeming annoyance of appearance nice, or normal, or regular, or neutral.

Then again, there are probably distinct advantages with staying even and far, and I'm probably worse off for not utilizing those attributes myself as rules to guide my behavior when I start to get over-excited, as it were.  Still, I have to wonder, exactly, what life consists of, if we're always even and far and regular.  I value stability more, perhaps, than the next guy, but if we're conversing under the auspices of friendship (this wasn't a complete stranger), then it seems as though we should be able to knock down a few emotional layers here, and just sort of exchange information from a basic viewpoint, and let the chips land where they may.  But that's not what is going on.  Not what happened, that is.

We're neat and careful and patient far and even.  For what?  Why not put our own preferences first sometimes?  Why not act out and make other people uncomfortable so that we can be more comfortable (assuming that they won't be able to make us so uncomfortable in the near future that it wouldn't be worth it).

I guess part of the answer is that we don't want to be the asshole.  IF we're the asshole, then we'll be ostracized from information and goods and social status.  It helps if someone else is the asshole first, and everyone else (including me) can feel passionately outraged at the asshole's behavior, and then become honest as way to critique and become indignant.

Except what if the asshole is the only honest person in the room?  And only an asshole for the sake of the rest of us experiencing minutely less restricted emotional comfort?  Who does that make us exactly?