Thursday, February 23, 2012

Willingness to Conflict.

I'd say this capacity--to enter and sustain conflict, and do it knowingly, and willingly--will garner huge rewards.  I've personally been totally hands off hyper-lefty and especially sensitive my entire adult life, which, I'm slowly coming to realize, may in fact have been a mistake, and further, that I've been terribly unhappy because of my own apathetic non-aggression and avoidance of even the whisper of awkwardness or dominance.

Mostly, I've been upset with myself for making excuses to do things that were extremely short term, while simultaneously not being thorough about any of my purported concerns.   I've got a LOT more patience and sustenance these days, and that's good.  Still, sustenance and patience is fine and dandy, but at times one needs even more.  One/I need to be able to take out the claws and act (or, in the world I inhabit, to interact) and not second-guess myself or become so mealymouthed that I can't form a sentence.  Making decisions for yourself actually does put you at odds with other people.  In the past, I've just let them (the other people) roll over what I'd already decided for myself, and their preferences would win the battle, mostly because I wasn't even vocal about what I wanted--what I told myself previously. Pretty flimsy.

Now, there IS a lot of complexity and degrees of sophistication in the world, so let's be clear that I'm not referring to my past and saying I should be blindly aggressive now.  I think that would be an equal mistake.  But I should stand up for myself when what I've decided to myself is clear, or when I want something.

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